from now on my penis is your penis
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
