You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
