The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
