Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
