I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Randomize
