I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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