also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
