So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I intend to get homeless drunk
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
