everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
