This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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