there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
