saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
