I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
