fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
