Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
