I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize