even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
