I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Everyone says I win the strip club
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize