There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
