In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I just want to make out with him forever
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
The air taste purple.
Randomize
