Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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