she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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