You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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