I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
