Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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