if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
