I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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