i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
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