70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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