The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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