Your face is a jimmy john
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just invented taco cereal.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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