What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize