I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
