I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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