I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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