he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I AM VODKA MAN
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
