that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
