Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
