using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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