whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
