He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Randomize
