i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
