Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
