I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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