You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
