The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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