Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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