I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Randomize