My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
