why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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