Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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