Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
