R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
