I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
