Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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