I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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