Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm both gender and math confused
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
