How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
